【Michael Maien】

My fellow Americans,Michael Maien Twizzlers are bad.

So is Good & Plenty. So are Red Vines (and not just because of "Cat Person"). And at the end of the day, this country's licorice pickings are relatively slim, especially if you're not necessarily a fan of black licorice. (If you are a black licorice purist and think all other licorice is "fake" or whatever, this is not the article for you.)

And that is precisely why you must opt for Australian-style licorice, preferably from the brand Darrell Lea -- although any brand is better than Red Vines.

Australian-style licorice is pillowy, smooth, thick, and flavorful -- the opposite of the hard, flavorless, and pipe cleaner-y disappointment foisted upon us by the Twizzler. For the most part, it arrives in a bag of oblong, bite-size chunks, (anyone who tells you they are not bite-size is your enemy) which you can munch on through at least 25 minutes of a movie before you run out.

It is not overly sweet, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Australian-style licorice never fails.

Perhaps most importantly, Australian-style licorice comes in many flavors, and they are all good (green apple, mango, strawberry, pomegranate, pineapple, probably more!). There are, to my knowledge, no bad flavors, even if you do not like black licorice. For example, I do not like black licorice; however, I love Darrell Lea's Australian-style black licorice.

But what about Rainbow Twizzlers?you ask. I am sorry if you have ever had Rainbow Twizzlers. They taste like how I imagine it would feel if my saliva was thinned-out Trix yogurt.

And finding these Australian wonders isn't as hard as you'd think. I have found the black and the strawberry flavors at Target, and most of the other flavors during my bi-yearly trips to World Market. They're also scattered around America's convenience stores and, of course, you can buy them on Amazon, albeit at a higher cost. Jeff Bezos, what is your favorite flavor? My favorite is mango.

I love this damn licorice like Ron Swanson loves Morton Salt. Please eat it. Thank you.